Every marriage faces conflict at some point. It’s natural! But how we handle those moments can either strengthen or weaken our bond. If not addressed properly, conflict can damage your relationship. Below, we’ll explore common issues that can arise during conflict and provide strategies to prevent them from escalating.
1. Stonewalling (Silent Treatment)
What It Is:
Stonewalling happens when one spouse refuses to engage in the conversation, often resorting to silence or withdrawal. This leaves the other person feeling ignored and frustrated, which can make the situation worse.
Prevention:
It’s okay to take short breaks when things get heated, but it’s important to always return to resolve the issue. Agree with your spouse on a “pause” word or signal to let each other know when it’s time for a quick cooling-off period. Just make sure to come back together to find a solution.
2. Blame-Shifting
What It Is:
Blame-shifting occurs when one spouse deflects responsibility for the conflict and places the blame entirely on the other person. This prevents meaningful resolution and can make the other spouse feel unjustly accused.
Prevention:
Instead of saying, “You always do this…” try using “I” statements. For example, say, “I feel upset when…” This shifts the focus to your own feelings, rather than blaming your spouse. It opens up a space for understanding and avoids a defensive response.
3. Bringing Up the Past
What It Is:
This happens when one spouse brings up old arguments or past mistakes to avoid addressing the current issue. Instead of focusing on the present conflict, the conversation turns into a rehash of past grievances.
Prevention:
Agree to focus on the current issue and not dredge up old conflicts. One issue at a time allows both of you to fully address what’s going on in the present, without letting past mistakes cloud the conversation.
4. Name-Calling or Insults
What It Is:
Name-calling or insulting your spouse is when hurtful language is used that attacks your spouse’s character rather than addressing the behavior at hand. This can be incredibly damaging to the emotional connection and trust in your marriage.
Prevention:
Establish a firm boundary that respect is non-negotiable. Even when emotions are running high, it’s essential to maintain kindness and avoid hurtful language. You can express frustration, but always remember to focus on the behavior, not your spouse’s character.
5. Yelling or Raising Voices
What It Is:
Yelling or raising your voice in an argument often occurs when the conflict starts escalating, and one spouse tries to dominate the conversation. This increases tension and makes it harder for both spouses to listen and communicate effectively.
Prevention:
When voices start rising, pause and take a few deep breaths. This gives both of you a chance to calm down and reset the tone of the conversation. If things get too heated, consider taking a break and coming back later with cooler heads.
6. Withholding Affection as Punishment
What It Is:
Withholding affection, love, or intimacy as a form of punishment happens when one spouse uses physical touch or emotional closeness to “punish” the other. This can make the relationship feel transactional rather than based on love and connection.
Prevention:
Ensure that love, affection, and intimacy are not conditional on agreeing with each other. Your relationship should be built on respect, trust, and understanding, not on using affection as leverage to win an argument.
Check out this great podcast titled: Is This Toxic Emotional And Sexual Intimacy Game Being Played In Your Marriage?
We recently did a video on social media for the men titled “the reasons your wife doesn’t want to make love to you.” We have heard a lot of the women state it is because their emotional needs are not being met. In one of the comments from the video, a husband stated:
“A man’s emotional needs are linked to his wife making love to him, which she won’t do unless her emotional needs are met first, Thus the man becomes responsible for his and his wife’s emotional needs.”
This was a powerful statement which caused us to do this podcast, and reflect on this in our marriage as well.
Most women want an emotional connection before having a physical connection with their husband. And for most men, they need to have the physical connection before they will feel safe enough for the emotional vulnerability and connection with their wife.
So for MANY marriages it looks like this:
The wife will withhold sexual intimacy (and sometimes use it as a weapon) as a punishment to try to get the emotional intimacy she wants from her husband.
The husband is usually upset and doesn’t meet his wife’s emotional needs because his wife won’t meet the physical needs in the relationship (because a husband needs the physical connection first).
Sound familiar? This toxic game is played in many relationships.. and in this game, no one ever wins and the marriage suffers from it, many times ending in divorce.
In this episode, we discuss the games that are played and the things couples can do to get both of their needs met so they can have a fulfilling marriage.
7. Avoiding Conflict Altogether
What It Is:
Some couples avoid conflict altogether, hoping that issues will just go away. While this might seem like the easier route, it only leads to unresolved resentment and can cause bigger problems down the road.
Prevention:
Make it a habit to check in regularly with each other about even the small issues. Nip problems in the bud before they turn into bigger sources of tension. Avoiding conflict only leads to unresolved resentment over time.
8. Overgeneralizing (“You Always/Never”)
What It Is:
Overgeneralizing involves making sweeping statements like “You always do this!” or “You never listen to me!” These kinds of statements make your spouse feel like nothing they do is right and can cause defensiveness.
Prevention:
Instead of making sweeping statements like “You always do this!” or “You never listen,” focus on specific actions. For example, say, “I felt unheard when you didn’t respond to my question” instead of generalizing the behavior. This keeps the conversation productive and focused.
9. Defensiveness Instead of Listening
What It Is:
Defensiveness happens when one spouse responds to feedback or criticism by offering excuses or counterattacks, instead of actively listening and understanding the other person’s perspective.
Prevention:
If your spouse is sharing their feelings, avoid immediately defending yourself or counterattacking. Instead, pause and listen actively. Repeat back what you heard to make sure you understand before responding. This demonstrates empathy and keeps the dialogue open.
10. Threatening Divorce or Leaving
What It Is:
Threatening divorce or leaving is when one spouse uses ultimatums or threats to manipulate the situation or get their way. This can erode trust and create a sense of fear rather than cooperation.
Prevention:
Agree that divorce or separation will never be used as a tool to manipulate or win an argument. When conflicts arise, focus on problem-solving and finding a resolution together, instead of using threats or ultimatums.
How to Keep Conflict Healthy:
- Pick the Right Time & Place:
Avoid arguing when you’re stressed, tired, or in public. Choose a time and setting where both of you can talk openly and calmly. - Focus on Solutions, Not Just Problems:
Instead of getting caught up in everything that went wrong, ask, “How can we fix this together?” This mindset promotes cooperation rather than division. - Have a Repair Ritual:
After a conflict, offer a hug, kind words, or an apology to help rebuild trust and reaffirm your connection. Small gestures like these can go a long way in maintaining emotional intimacy. - Remember: You’re a Team:
Conflict is not about winning or being right; it’s about understanding and working together to solve problems. Always approach disagreements with the mindset that you’re both on the same team.
Conflict is an inevitable part of any marriage, but how you handle it can make all the difference. By recognizing and preventing negative patterns like stonewalling, blame-shifting, or name-calling, you can keep your disagreements healthy and productive. It’s important to remember that both spouses are on the same team, and every challenge is an opportunity to grow closer and understand each other better.
The goal isn’t to avoid conflict altogether, but to address it in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than damaging it. By setting clear communication guidelines, focusing on solutions, and maintaining respect, you can navigate tough times with more ease and unity.
Marriage is about partnership and teamwork. When conflicts arise, it’s not about “winning” the argument, but about finding a solution that works for both of you. Keep these strategies in mind, and with patience and practice, you’ll create a space where both of you can feel heard, understood, and supported.
UandI App
The Best Gift You Can Give Your Relationship To Stop Conflict
The U&I app designed to be something you can use every day of the year. After all, when you strengthen your emotional connection, your sexual intimacy thrives as well—and that’s what we want for your marriage.
Although we have the Ultimate Intimacy App and his has been a wildly successful app, we built the U&I App to be an addition to the Ultimate Intimacy App with several features that are unique which we will cover shortly.
So, what can you expect from this app that’s all about intimacy, connection, and organization? Let’s dive in!
Favorite Feature: Date Night Timeline – Customizable and Fun!
One of the standout features of the U&I app is our Date Night Timeline. You can choose from over 52 unique date night ideas, or create your own timeline for at-home or out-on-the-town adventures.
Each date is fully customizable to fit your marriage, and you’ll have a chance to journal about it and upload a picture after your date. It’s the perfect way to keep your weekly date night tradition alive and create lasting memories with your spouse.
Ready to take on the Date Night Challenge and make weekly date nights a priority? Let’s do it!
Home Harmony: Simplifying Household Balance
We know how overwhelming the mental load can be, especially for wives juggling everything from chores and cleaning to parenting and meal planning. That’s why we’ve created Home Harmony, a customizable feature to help you manage your household responsibilities and schedules.
No more feeling like you’re doing it all alone! Whether it’s dividing up chores or coordinating calendars, Home Harmony makes it easy to stay organized, stay on top of everything, and keep your connection strong.
How Well Do You Know Your Spouse?
Here’s a fun (and revealing!) feature we absolutely love: the How Well Do You Know Your Spouse? game. After 23 years of marriage, we still only got about 50% of the answers right!
This interactive game is an amazing way to learn even more about your spouse—no matter how long you’ve been together. It’s a fun, eye-opening experience that can help you both connect on a deeper level. Both of you answer all the questions, and then you will get a notification that your spouse has answered the questions, and compare your answers and see how well you did!
Intimate Fun and Games
Don’t miss out on the Intimate Section, where we’ve included scratch-off kama sutra sex positions (non-graphic), sex positions matching game, game timer, truth or dare, and more! These games are designed to bring more excitement to the bedroom in a fun and playful way.
So Much More to Explore!
That’s just the tip of the iceberg—there are so many more features in the U&I app that we know you’ll love! Here’s a sneak peek at what’s included:
- Daily Challenges – Emotional and intimate challenges to keep your connection strong.
- Date Night Challenges and Adventures – Ideas and tips for unforgettable date nights.
- Quizzes – Fun ways to learn more about each other.
- Live Polls – Engage in real-time with your spouse.
- Ask an Expert – Get relationship advice from professionals.
- Interactive Games – Including “How Well Do You Know Your Spouse?” and non-graphic sex position games.
- Intimate Conversations – Foster deep, meaningful conversations.
- Secure Chat Feature – A private space for just the two of you.
- Harmony Home – Organize and sync your household chores and schedules.
FREE to Download and Get Started!
We believe this app can be a game-changer for your marriage, helping you build stronger emotional intimacy, stay organized, and even add some extra spice to your relationship. It’s totally free to download, so there’s no reason not to give it a try today!
For more information, visit uandiapp.com and get started on the journey to a more connected, exciting marriage.
We can’t wait to hear how the U&I app helps you and your spouse create the marriage you’ve always dreamed of. Here’s to stronger bonds, more fun, and lots of love!
Ultimate Intimacy
