Marriage is often painted as a fairy tale full of effortless love and harmony. Movies, social media, and even well-meaning advice from friends can set up expectations that are far from reality. When couples enter marriage believing these myths, disappointment and frustration can quickly take hold.
According to marriage experts, mismatched or unrealistic expectations are one of the leading causes of tension and conflict in marriages.
Here are seven common unrealistic expectations that couples often bring into marriage and how to address them for a healthier, more connected relationship.
1. My spouse will complete me
Many people believe their spouse should fill every emotional gap and make them feel whole. This puts immense pressure on the marriage and is fundamentally unfair to your spouse. No one person can meet all of another person’s emotional needs.
Solution: Focus on self-awareness and personal growth. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of self-regulation and emotional awareness in creating a healthy marriage. Engage in hobbies, cultivate friendships, and develop emotional resilience outside the marriage. When each spouse is whole individually, the marriage becomes a relationship of enrichment rather than dependence.
2. Love should always feel effortless
Romantic media often portrays love as easy and automatic. Many couples expect that their spouse will always make them feel happy and that love should never require work. In reality, relationships require ongoing effort, communication, and compromise.
Solution: Shift your mindset to see marriage as a skill to nurture. Practice daily acts of kindness, active listening, and empathy. According to Gary Chapman, understanding and expressing love through each other’s primary love languages creates consistent connection and reduces disappointment.
3. My spouse should know what I am thinking or feeling
Expecting your spouse to read your mind or intuitively understand your emotional state is a common trap. Without clear communication, misunderstandings build resentment.
Solution: Prioritize open communication. Use “I feel” statements and share emotions directly instead of assuming your spouse should guess your needs. John Gottman calls this emotional bid recognition. By actively seeking to understand each other’s emotional signals, couples can build trust and connection.
4. Marriage will solve all personal problems
Some couples enter marriage expecting it to fix loneliness, self-doubt, or stress. Believing that your spouse is the solution to all problems sets both of you up for failure.
Solution: Focus on personal responsibility and emotional self-care. Therapy, journaling, and mindfulness can help address personal challenges without relying solely on your spouse for support. Esther Perel notes that maintaining a sense of individuality and autonomy is essential for a thriving relationship. A spouse can support growth, but they cannot carry it alone.
5. Conflict means the marriage is failing
Many couples fear that arguments are signs of incompatibility or doom. This expectation creates anxiety and may lead to suppressing feelings, which is harmful over time. Conflict is a natural part of any close relationship.
Solution: Reframe conflict as an opportunity for growth. Gottman’s research highlights the concept of repair attempts, small gestures that defuse tension and bring couples back together. Learning to fight fairly and with respect strengthens emotional intimacy and demonstrates that disagreements do not equal failure.
6. My spouse should make me happy all the time
Expecting your spouse to provide constant happiness places an unrealistic burden on them. Life has ups and downs, and relying on your spouse for all emotional satisfaction is unhealthy for both parties.
Solution: Cultivate personal sources of happiness. Exercise, friendships, hobbies, and mindfulness can create a stable foundation for well-being. Marriage then becomes a source of shared joy rather than the sole provider of happiness. Celebrating small moments together and expressing gratitude reinforces positive feelings without relying on unrealistic expectations.
7. Marriage will remain passionate without effort
Many people expect passion and desire to remain at the same intensity throughout marriage. While early romance can be intense, long-term relationships naturally shift toward deeper intimacy, which requires nurturing to maintain physical and emotional closeness.
Solution: Actively invest in emotional and sexual connection. Scheduling regular date nights, exploring shared interests, and maintaining physical affection are practical ways to cultivate ongoing passion. Recognizing that intimacy requires attention rather than assuming it is automatic prevents disappointment. Schedule sexual intimacy if needed as well too!! Check out our great products at our “Christian Friendly” Store to spice things up and make intimacy so much more enjoyable.
Moving Beyond Unrealistic Expectations
Understanding that marriage is not a cure-all, a constant source of happiness, or effortless allows couples to approach their relationship with realism and empathy. As John Gottman states, successful marriages are built on small, consistent actions that nurture connection, trust, and understanding. Meanwhile, Esther Perel reminds couples that maintaining individuality and curiosity within a marriage enhances intimacy and long-term satisfaction.
By identifying unrealistic expectations and implementing practical strategies, couples can reduce conflict, build stronger emotional bonds, and foster a marriage based on mutual support and realistic understanding. It is not about lowering standards but about aligning expectations with reality while actively nurturing love.
Marriage is a journey of growth, compromise, and shared commitment. Recognizing and addressing unrealistic expectations allows both spouses to experience the fullness of partnership, deepen intimacy, and create a sustainable, fulfilling marriage that thrives in the real world.
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