I used to believe that breaking bad habits in my marriage, and even in my life individually, was all about “trying” harder. The mindset was simple: if I wasn’t successful, then I just needed to try even harder. When my spouse Amy and I were going through our tough times, I would tell her, “I promise I will try harder.” And for a few days, things would improve. But inevitably, I would fall back into the same old habits. The truth is, in my heart I wanted to change, I wanted to break those bad habits, but I never really knew how. Just trying never worked.
It wasn’t until I, and eventually we, started making real plans and executing them that things began to shift. Instead of saying we would try harder, we started doing specific things. We committed to weekly date nights. Nothing would get in the way. We prioritized our marriage by taking deliberate steps to nurture our connection. We learned to communicate openly and make concrete plans to resolve conflicts. Once I shifted from “trying” to “doing,” the change was profound.
We all have bad habits we want to change. Some are small, like biting your nails, leaving chores undone, or eating unhealthy foods. Others are more significant, such as compulsive shopping, pornography addiction, or avoiding conflict. And then there are habits that develop uniquely as a married couple. These might show up in communication, intimacy, decision-making, or lifestyle choices. The habits may seem minor at first, but over time, they erode connection and trust.
The good news is that habits are not unchangeable. Marriage experts like Dr. John Gottman emphasize that small behaviors repeated over time define the health of a relationship.
Gottman’s research shows that couples who maintain consistent positive interactions and actively work on problem-solving are far more likely to have lasting, satisfying marriages. The key is not relying on willpower or vague promises to try harder but instead designing your environment and routines so good habits naturally take over.
On our podcast episode with Nate Whitson titled: Stop “Trying” And Start “Doing” – 4 Steps To Breaking Your Bad Habits In Marriage And Life, he shares four steps from the powerful book Atomic Habits that can help break bad habits, whether personal or marital. These steps are simple but powerful, and they work because they focus on making the bad habits harder to do and the good habits easier to follow.
1. Make Them Invisible
Out of sight, out of mind. If there is a habit you want to break, remove the triggers that prompt it. For example, if your habit is scrolling on your phone late at night instead of connecting with your spouse, consider taking your phone out of the bedroom. Suddenly, the habit is no longer possible.
If eating unhealthy is your struggle, remove chips, candy, or soda from the counter and avoid keeping them in easy-to-reach places. Do not go down the aisles that tempt you while grocery shopping. When these triggers are invisible, the habit loses its power. You create an environment where the negative choice is simply not available.
2. Make Them Unattractive
Habits often thrive because they are perceived as pleasurable. To break them, change how you think about the habit. Focus on the long-term consequences rather than the immediate reward. For instance, mindlessly eating junk food may feel good in the moment, but when you picture the sluggish, irritable version of yourself afterward or the extra weight you may gain, it suddenly loses appeal.
If you struggle with road rage, imagine the other drivers’ perspective. Seeing your own anger through the eyes of others can create embarrassment and make the habit less appealing. When a behavior starts to feel unattractive, your brain is naturally less drawn to it.
3. Make Them Difficult
Increase the friction between you and your bad habits. Make them harder to do. For example, if you overspend, leave your credit cards at home and only carry cash. Suddenly impulse purchases require effort, and your brain is less likely to seek that behavior automatically.
If your habit is watching pornography, install filters on your devices or add steps that make it inconvenient to access. Habits survive on ease and accessibility. By making a habit difficult, you create natural barriers that make breaking it more achievable.
4. Make It Unsatisfying
Attach a negative consequence to the habit. Accountability works wonders. For example, tell your spouse or a friend every time you slip, making the habit socially or personally uncomfortable. Another creative method is tying a minor financial penalty to the habit. You could pledge a small donation to your least favorite sports team every time you fall back into the habit. Imagine the feeling of seeing your money go to that team—it is motivation you will not soon forget.
Research from the University of Scranton shows that only 8 percent of people actually achieve their New Year’s resolutions, and the most successful individuals are those who design their environment and systems to prevent relapse rather than relying solely on willpower. Breaking bad habits is not about sheer determination. It is about creating systems where the right choices are easier than the wrong ones.
In marriage, this philosophy is even more impactful. Couples who actively work together to reduce negative patterns and implement positive routines see measurable improvements in satisfaction and connection. Small intentional actions, repeated consistently, create momentum. One simple practice, like regular date nights, can build a culture of intimacy that makes bad habits less likely to take root.
Breaking bad habits in marriage and life is not easy, but it is possible. The key is to stop merely trying and start doing. Make the habits invisible, unattractive, difficult, and unsatisfying. Design your environment to support positive change. Commit to small, consistent actions with your spouse. Talk openly, plan specifically, and execute intentionally.
When you stop relying on willpower alone and start creating systems for success, you will notice profound changes in both your life and your marriage. Small daily actions compound over time, creating a marriage that is more connected, resilient, and joyful. It is not about perfection. It is about progress and consistent effort.
So, take the first step today. Stop trying and start doing. Remove the triggers, rethink the rewards, make the habits inconvenient, and hold yourself accountable. In time, the habits that once held you back will fade, and your marriage will thrive in ways you never thought possible.
Breaking bad habits is not magic. It is intentional action, supported by research, designed to make the right choices the easiest ones. Begin today, and watch your life and marriage transform.
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