You can check out the podcast episode 125. Is This Silent Relationship Killer Hurting Your Marriage?
Pride is one of the most dangerous and subtle forces that can undermine a marriage. It quietly slips into everyday interactions shaping how spouses communicate resolve conflict and interpret each other’s actions. Pride is not loud or dramatic. Most of the time it hides behind defensiveness stubbornness or the unwillingness to admit fault. Yet pride is often the emotion most responsible for drifting emotional distance unresolved hurt and the slow breakdown of intimacy.
At Ultimate Intimacy we have seen this pattern over and over. Couples who love each other deeply but allow pride to stand between them. Pride destroys closeness connection trust and tenderness. It keeps a marriage stuck. And unless it is confronted it will continue to erode what could otherwise be an incredible relationship.
This article explores how pride works why it is so destructive and what couples can do to protect their marriage from it.
Why Pride Is So Dangerous
Pride is not confidence. Pride is the belief that you do not need to change that your way is always right or that your spouse’s feelings matter less than your own. Pride refuses vulnerability which is the heart of true connection.
Here are some of the ways pride sabotages marriage.
Pride Prevents Apologies
The inability to say I am sorry is one of the biggest red flags of pride in marriage. When pride rules your heart your main concern is protecting your image instead of protecting your connection. You focus on being right rather than being relational.
Marriage experts John and Julie Gottman found that couples who repair conflict early with even small apologies or gestures of responsibility are far more likely to stay happily married. Spouses who refuse to take responsibility escalate conflict and create long term resentment.
A simple apology opens the door to healing. Pride slams it shut.
Pride Makes You Defensive
Defensiveness is one of the Gottmans Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which predict marital breakdown if not addressed. When your spouse brings up a concern and your first reaction is to justify explain or counter attack you are allowing pride to take over.
Defensiveness says
I am not the problem you are.
I am the real victim here.
Your feelings do not matter as much as protecting my ego.
When pride keeps you in a defensive posture your spouse begins to feel unheard unvalued and emotionally unsafe. Over time they stop bringing things up at all which weakens intimacy and connection.
Pride Stops You from Listening
When pride is active you listen only to respond not to understand. You look for flaws in what your spouse is saying instead of listening with empathy. You assume intentions. You judge their feelings. You think your view is the only correct one.
Healthy marriages require two people who can hear each other even when what they hear is difficult. Pride kills that ability.
Pride Creates Power Struggles
Pride tells you that compromise is losing. It pushes you to insist on your way your timing your preferences and your comfort. This creates an exhausting cycle of tug of war where neither spouse feels seen or valued.
Healthy marriages are built on shared influence where both people matter and both have a voice. According to research by the Gottmans husbands who accept influence from their spouse dramatically increase their chances of marital success. When either spouse refuses to accept influence pride is usually the reason.
Pride Fuels Contempt
Contempt is the most toxic behavior in marriage and is the greatest predictor of divorce according to decades of research. Pride fuels contempt because it creates an attitude of superiority.
Contempt says
I am better than you.
My feelings are more important than yours.
Your mistakes are worse than mine.
This mindset destroys emotional intimacy and leaves a spouse feeling small and unloved. Contempt is often born from unchecked pride.
Pride Keeps Wounds Alive
When pride refuses to acknowledge wrongdoing issues never fully heal. Your spouse may forgive but the wound remains open because it was never validated or properly repaired.
Healing in marriage happens when both people can humbly say
I see how I hurt you
I care
I want to do better
Pride never allows those words to be spoken which means emotional wounds never close.
How Pride Creeps In
Pride rarely shows up all at once. It sneaks in through very small behaviors.
Some examples include
Pretending you did not hear your spouse’s request
Rolling your eyes during a conversation
Needing the last word
Correcting small details during disagreements
Minimizing your spouse’s emotions
Shutting down instead of engaging
Believing your way is the only sensible way
Using sarcasm to avoid vulnerability
Refusing help because you want to appear strong
These things seem small but over time they create big gaps in the relationship.
How to Remove Pride from Your Marriage
The opposite of pride in marriage is humility. Humility is not weakness. Humility is strength. It takes enormous strength to admit mistakes to soften your heart and to put your spouse’s feelings ahead of winning the argument.
Here are powerful steps you can take as a couple.
1. Practice Quick Repairs
Repair attempts are one of the strongest predictors of marital success. This means you take steps to soften conflict as soon as it starts instead of digging your heels in.
Try phrases like
I want to understand you
I can see that hurt you
Let me slow down
Can we rewind and try that again
These small shifts require humility but bring enormous closeness.
2. Choose Curiosity Over Defensiveness
Instead of reacting to your spouse’s frustration with explanations or excuses pause and ask
Help me understand
Can you tell me more
What are you needing from me
This shows that you value their experience and you are willing to grow.
3. Apologize Without Conditions
A real apology does not include the words but or if.
A prideful apology says
I am sorry you feel that way
I am sorry but you should not have
A humble apology says
I am sorry I hurt you
I understand why you feel that way
I take responsibility
This opens the door to healing.
4. Ask Yourself the Hard Question
Every spouse should occasionally ask
Am I being prideful right now
This question can stop an argument from escalating quickly. It shifts your focus from winning to connecting.
5. Seek to Understand Before Being Understood
Your spouse is more likely to listen to you when they feel heard by you. Humility means giving your spouse space to express their emotions without interrupting correcting or defending.
6. Admit When You Need Help
Pride tells you that you can fix everything alone. Humility recognizes when you need outside support. Whether that is counseling resources workshops or marriage content from Ultimate Intimacy seeking help is a sign of maturity not failure.
7. Focus on We Instead of Me
Pride is self focused. It asks
How am I being treated
How is this affecting me
How is my spouse failing me
Humility shifts to
What can I do to strengthen us
How can I better support my spouse
How can we grow closer together
This simple shift changes everything.
Final Thoughts
Pride is the silent marriage killer because it shuts the door on connection healing and intimacy. It keeps spouses locked in cycles of defensiveness and emotional distance. But humility softens the heart. Humility opens the path toward closeness communication and true intimacy.
Marriage thrives when two imperfect people choose to show up with softness instead of stubbornness with curiosity instead of defensiveness and with grace instead of pride.
If you want a marriage filled with connection passion teamwork and deep emotional safety humility is the path. Let pride fall away and watch your marriage grow into something extraordinary.
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