Even when spouses understand the three types of sexual desire, the real challenge is learning how to negotiate differences. Very few marriages have spouses with perfectly matched sex drives. One may desire intimacy often and spontaneously, while the other may experience desire more responsively or in context.
Rather than letting mismatched desire become a source of conflict, spouses can use it as a catalyst for growth.
1. Communicate Without Criticism
The Gottman Institute emphasizes that criticism is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. When talking about intimacy, avoid blaming your spouse for “never wanting sex” or “always pushing for it.” Instead, use “I” statements:
- “I feel most desired when you initiate affection with me.”
- “I sometimes need more time and connection before I feel in the mood.”
This approach fosters openness instead of defensiveness.
Do you have a hard time talking about sex with your spouse? The reality is, you’re not alone. A 2017 study by the Journal of Marriage and Family found that nearly 1 in 3 couples reported that they avoid discussing sex altogether. For many spouses, talking about sex can be uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, from fear of rejection to feelings of shame, past negative experiences, or simple awkwardness.
But the truth is, without open communication about sex, couples miss out on deeper emotional and physical connections that could enrich their relationship and help them grow closer. That is why we created the NEW Let’s Talk About Sex Cards!
2. Create Rituals of Connection
Couples who carve out intentional time together outside of the bedroom often find desire easier to cultivate. For a spouse with responsive desire, quality time and emotional intimacy often spark physical desire. For a spouse with spontaneous desire, knowing there are consistent opportunities for intimacy reduces pressure. Examples:
- Weekly date nights without distractions
- Short daily rituals, like cuddling on the couch before bed
- Scheduled intimacy that still leaves room for surprise
3. Balance Spontaneity and Structure
Some couples thrive by mixing planned intimacy with spontaneous gestures. For example:
- Planned evenings where both spouses know intimacy is likely, so the spouse with responsive desire has time to prepare emotionally and mentally.
- Spontaneous surprises like sending a flirtatious message, initiating a kiss in the kitchen, or sneaking away on a trip to reignite excitement.
This combination honors both desire types.
4. Adjust Expectations Around Frequency
Research shows that the average married couple has sex about once a week, but satisfaction is less about frequency and more about whether both spouses feel their needs are acknowledged. Instead of chasing a “normal” number, couples can negotiate:
- How often each spouse ideally desires intimacy
- How to compromise so both feel fulfilled
- What nonsexual forms of affection can bridge gaps
We also did a podcast episode titled 124. Is There Such A Thing As Too Much Sexual Intimacy? We did this episode after doing a 7 day sex challenge where the goal was to have sex 7 days in a row. Find out how we did and the conclusion we came to 🙂
5. Address Context Together
When desire feels contextual, both spouses can work together to adjust the environment. This might mean sharing household responsibilities, improving sleep routines, reducing stress, or creating private time away from kids. The Gottmans remind us that “small things often” — little acts of kindness and connection — build the foundation for intimacy.
6. Explore Non-Sexual Intimacy
Sometimes, especially in seasons of stress or health struggles, sexual intimacy may not be as frequent. During those times, nurturing non-sexual intimacy can keep spouses connected and prevent resentment. Examples include:
- Holding hands
- Long hugs
- Verbal affirmations
- Shared laughter and playfulness
These maintain closeness until sexual desire naturally increases again.
7. Seek Professional Support if Needed
If mismatched sex drives consistently lead to conflict or distance, marriage therapy or sex therapy can provide guidance. Many therapists trained in the Gottman Method specialize in helping spouses navigate desire discrepancy without blame.
Final Word
Negotiating sexual differences is less about who is “right” or “normal” and more about how both spouses can feel loved and valued. When couples stop competing over whose drive is correct and instead view desire differences as an opportunity to grow together, intimacy becomes richer and more sustainable.
Every couple is unique. The most satisfying marriages are not built on identical drives but on mutual understanding, empathy, and creative negotiation.
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