Marriage is often idealized as a partnership built on love, trust, and emotional intimacy. But sometimes, even in seemingly stable relationships, something feels off. You may find that your marriage revolves more around exchanges—financial, practical, or even emotional—than genuine connection. This is what experts call a transactional marriage.
In a transactional marriage, partners often measure each other’s worth based on contributions or performance rather than shared love and support. It can feel like you’re constantly “keeping score” instead of nurturing intimacy.
Recognizing the signs early and addressing them can prevent resentment from building and help you reconnect meaningfully with your spouse. Drawing on insights from renowned marriage experts like John Gottman, Esther Perel, and other relationship researchers, here are eight signs you may be in a transactional marriage, and how to begin transforming it.
Also check out podcast episode 144. Is There Anything Wrong With Transactional Sex And Chore Play?
1. Your interactions are primarily about tasks and logistics
In transactional marriages, conversations often revolve around “who does what” rather than feelings, dreams, or mutual support. For instance, you might discuss who’s handling bills, chores, or work schedules more than your emotional state or shared goals.
Solution: Start implementing small moments of connection each day. According to John Gottman, couples who engage in “daily love maps”—actively checking in on each other’s emotional world—build emotional intimacy and resilience. Ask open-ended questions like, “What was the best part of your day?” or “How are you really feeling about our future?”
2. Affection feels conditional
Love becomes conditional when you or your partner offer affection only when certain expectations are met—like completing chores, making money, or achieving milestones. This pattern turns love into a transaction rather than an unconditional bond.
Solution: Shift from conditional to unconditional gestures of affection. Even small, unprompted acts of kindness or compliments can break transactional patterns. Esther Perel emphasizes the importance of erotic and emotional spontaneity—reminding partners to engage in affection for the sake of connection, not obligation.
3. You measure your spouse’s love by what they give
Do you feel resentful because your spouse doesn’t contribute “enough”? Or perhaps you give, expecting something in return? Transactional marriages often operate like a scorecard, where love is quantified through material or practical contributions.
Solution: Reframe how you define love. Gottman suggests practicing “softened startup”—bringing up needs gently without criticism—and using “I feel” statements to express needs without judgment. Shift your focus from “keeping score” to appreciating efforts, however small.
4. Emotional intimacy is minimal
In transactional marriages, spouses may know each other’s schedules but not their inner emotional worlds. Conversations about fears, hopes, or vulnerabilities are rare because the relationship focuses on performance rather than connection.
Solution: Schedule intentional emotional check-ins. Even 15 minutes a day dedicated to sharing feelings, frustrations, or dreams can dramatically increase intimacy. Perel notes that vulnerability fosters desire and emotional safety, counteracting transactional tendencies.
5. Conflicts revolve around resources or control
Arguments often focus on money, chores, time management, or other transactional issues rather than emotional or relational concerns. While practical disagreements are normal, recurring patterns indicate a lack of deeper connection.
Solution: Practice “gentle conflict resolution” techniques. Gottman emphasizes identifying underlying emotions rather than just surface issues. Ask, “What is my partner really feeling?” and “How can we meet both our needs without resentment?” This approach transforms conflicts into opportunities for connection.
6. Intimacy feels like a duty
Sex or physical intimacy may feel like an obligation rather than a shared expression of closeness. When intimacy becomes transactional—rewarded by favors or avoided to punish—it undermines emotional connection and desire.
Solution: Focus on pleasure and connection instead of obligation. Perel encourages couples to explore curiosity and novelty in their sexual relationship, creating experiences for mutual enjoyment rather than performance. Reintroduce play, touch, and anticipation without attaching conditions.
7. Appreciation is scarce
Transactional marriages often lack acknowledgment of efforts or expressions of gratitude. When contributions are taken for granted, resentment builds, and the relationship feels like a business partnership rather than a love-based union.
Solution: Cultivate a culture of appreciation. Gottman’s research highlights that couples who express gratitude regularly are significantly more satisfied and resilient. Make it a habit to thank your partner daily, even for small actions, and notice what they do well rather than what they fail to do.
8. You feel emotionally “alone together”
Perhaps the most telling sign is the sense of isolation despite living as a couple. You may share a home, children, or finances, but emotional connection is minimal. This disconnection can feel lonely and frustrating.
Solution: Rebuild emotional intimacy through shared experiences, vulnerability, and curiosity. Perel suggests prioritizing “relationship adventures”—new experiences that reignite excitement and curiosity. Regularly explore hobbies, travel, or even small rituals together to rekindle connection.
Moving Beyond Transactional Patterns
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward breaking transactional patterns. The second step is active intervention: communication, empathy, and emotional presence. As John Gottman notes, relationships thrive when partners are attuned to each other’s emotional needs and consistently express care. Similarly, Esther Perel emphasizes the importance of desire, curiosity, and mutual respect in sustaining long-term intimacy.
Transactional marriages can be transformed with intentional effort. By shifting focus from obligations and exchanges to emotional connection, gratitude, and vulnerability, couples can cultivate intimacy that goes beyond transactions—creating a partnership rooted in love, not ledger.
If you notice these signs in your relationship, remember: change is possible. Start small, prioritize emotional connection, and seek professional guidance if needed. With awareness and commitment, your marriage can evolve from transactional to transformative, restoring the intimacy you both deserve.
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